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Sunday, October 23rd, 2005
5:08 am - this deserves a fucking post
Two in less than a month? Shocking, but I need to write this weekend (thus far) down. Friday night is drinking with the boys and girls at a good frat with cool guys and cute girls. Go home with a girl, the short story version being she goes to the bathroom when we get to her place and gets sick for about 45 minutes until her friends carry her onto her bed and she passes the fuck out. Followed by chilling with people people, boozing a bit more, and generally being irate at my luck the rest of the night. (she drank 3 week old box win. it had mold. she must have been stupid/thrashed far beyond what i thought. wtf is wrong with people). Tonight was getting my buddy john drunk the first time (wow). Turns out he's a middle to heavyweight, because he had 6 shots and didn't seemed fazed at all, considering he's never been out drinking. though he did become slightly more sociable. next weekend we will push the boundaries. after drinking, we went and played some poker. i cleaned house, leaving the table with 20$ after walking in with 3$. w00t for making my money lost during the week back. back to allen's room for some slightly buzzed tekken, then home. i came home to a thrashed room at about 3 in the morning to find out my god damn room mate probably got alcohol poisoning and is in the hospital. should be fine, but if i'm lucky, they boot him from the dorms and i get the room to myself for the rest of the year. shit, let's see what happens on sunday.

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Monday, October 17th, 2005
8:02 pm - they've yet to kill me
First month of college and I've remained astonishly sober, mostly because all frats serve is piss beer. Life is good, class is easy, girls are hot, and it's starting to feel like home. I might end up hating my fucking room mate though. Whatever. -bzzt-

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Saturday, September 10th, 2005
2:39 am - wtf?
Ho-lee-fuck. Still alive somehow. Have a woman until the 17th. Will get play, god damn it. Moving to Davis on the 24th, partying my ass off for 5 days and starting class on the 29th. What the shit, I'm really in college? I'm starting to feel like one of people with responsibility and shit. What do they call those again? Adults? What a trip. Can't shake the feeling that this is somehow unexpected, like it's a fucking suprise. w00t.

-end transmission-

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Tuesday, June 21st, 2005
11:47 pm - heaven's dead when you get sad
01. Comment with your name and I will write something about you.
02. I will then tell what song/movie remind me of you.
03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be...
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
08. Put this in your journal

why not

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Monday, February 21st, 2005
11:46 pm - boo
I'm not dead yet. I figure there should be something here. I hope things will change soon. -poof-

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Saturday, January 1st, 2005
2:22 am
Well. It's been a while. Lets see.

So I fucked up my car two nights ago, because i'm fucking slick. Doing a, what I thought, was a reasonable 40 mph down saratoga sunnyvale. The road went from having no divider between left/right to having a divider that was a curb w/ dirt on the inside and about a half a lane wide, which started on one of an intersection w/ a dead light. Didn't see the fucking thing between window wipes (torrential rain, never seen it this bad here), so I smacked right into it doing 40 and popped up, onto, and then off again in the space of 20 feet or so. Air bags went off, some frame damage, maybe engine damage. Least insurance is covering it. Car's in the shop for at least a week, maybe 2. We'll see.

It was fucking stupid, and I'm pissed. It shouldn't have happened. God damn it. Didn't see the thing, but I should've been more careful. Could have fucking avoided it. Wonderful.

New years, every year for the past several, always seems to be some sort of failure for me. This year was particularly impressive. Three possible parties lined that i might have gone to tonight, and fate manages to pull the strings so that I can't attend any of them. Allen also decides he doesn't want to do anything. By about 11:30, I finally admitted complete and utter defeat and relegated myself to playing counterstrike. that's right. I spent new years eve playing fucking counterstrike. Despite how determined I was to go out and do something fun. Three parties, none of which I could get to. One cancelled, one I couldn't get a ride, seeing as how my car is broken, and one had social issues i don't want to think about.

yes, this is the new years eve bitching post. son of a BITCH.

lets see what's happened over break thus far:
- got miserably sick for slightly less than a week
- random injury after random injury (which i mind less and less, it's like an old buddy always around to distract me)
- fuxx0r3d car
- teh suck of new years
- teh suck of needing to turn in apps tommorow
- teh suck of being bored most of the break

aren't vacations supposed to make things better?

hell with it. could've sworn i had something more.

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Monday, November 15th, 2004
5:51 pm - thunder and lightning
HL2 is pre-loaded and will be unlocked at 12 AM tonight. Parents will be gone starting friday for what should be the entire weekend. Need to plan. Possible chick interest, but no bets on it. I've been losing at poker, I think dealer is fucking cheating. School is hard, and I still have apps work to do. Wrestling started, it fucking rocks being a senior. Ok, that was the blitz that has been life for the past while.

P.S. I would post up the "one friend on your list that you want to tie down ect" thing, but really, it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. =) Also, even if nothing social occurs on the weekend, I will gladly play HL2 till the wee hours of the morn. Then again, I'd like to try that while tanked.

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Sunday, November 7th, 2004
10:10 pm
just watched apocalpyse now. as the credits rolled, we just sat in silence.

per usual, i need to do work.

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Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004
11:41 pm
Alright you assholes, you repealed the assualt weapons ban, you took away a basic right of marriage for a set of people in 11 states, and I gaurantee in about 9 months you're going to fuck us out of Roe vs. Wade. Congradulations you christian fundamentalist hick sons of bitches. Upside: in 4 years, he'll never be able to skull fuck us again.

I can't wait for Dubya to start a war in yet another small middle eastern country so that I can get my ass shipped off to some sandy shithole. It's not that I necessarily have an issue with service, I have an issue with forced service into stupid fucking wars with stupid fucking leadership. Upside: looking at the numbers, I think survival odds would be pretty good.

We'll have our vengeance though. That's right, guess who we'll be seeing in '08. Hillary Clinton. Oh yes, the Clintons will be moving back into the White House. America will look like a tree hugging hippy commune by the time they're through. Yeah, I get really really salty about politics.

P.S. Nuke Utah, fuck Ohio.

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Friday, October 22nd, 2004
1:41 am - oogeda boogeda
sup. 1:40. i'm hungry.

bro is home, good stuff.

shit, i just wasted 25 minutes surfing forums. jesus, i need to work on apps/sleep. peace.

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Thursday, October 14th, 2004
12:58 am - the whole world had the volume turned down
"No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide." It resonates with me, for good reason.

17 in 2 days, wtf, I actually survived this long?

17. almost interesting. but not. heh.

i hate running laps. running on road is so much easier and nicer. and burpies. i hate those too. i woke up with one quad very sore and the other perfectly happy. annoying.

allen accidentally closed the trunk on two of my fingers on the nails today. it sucked, and so did the blind fury caused by pain for the next 30 seconds or so after that. my fingers are fine, except for a nice little blue streak across the middle of the nail on my middle finger.

i watched american history x again, and then i felt like giving up and slumping over into a grave, because the world is fantastic like that.

Halloween idea as of a week ago: Superman in a wheelchair
Halloween idea as of three days ago: Zombie Superman


It sucks. As disrespectful as I can be, I do hate the fact that he's dead. I watched his movies as a kid. The experience was a lot like Star Wars as a kid too.

Superman is dead, what's left to believe in?

p.s. what the shit is wrong with high school girls. pssssyyyyccccchhhhoooooossss

end transmission. -bzzt-

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Tuesday, October 5th, 2004
12:23 am
You know, it's funny. Things happen to those around me a lot, in terms of relationships. Like, for example, someone starts going out with the last person you'd ever think she would date, right? Ok, so I was chasing after her for a long while. After about two days, my intellect and emotions had to reconcile.

Intellect: Hey, pipe down, trying to get shit done here.
Emotion: Fuck you, I want her.
Intellect: You're an idiot.
Emotion: By nature.
Intellect: Not an excuse.
Emotion: Blow me.
Intellect: No, that's why you're going for HER, remember?
Emotion: Still pissed off about this.
Intellect: Listen, you've got two choices. One is to stay the way you are right now and feel like hell for who knows how long.
Emotion: And number two?
Intellect: Number two is to just let it go. Keep on the way you're going and you're going to say something passive aggressive, someone will call you on it, and things will go awry. You'll let out a bunch of repressed feelings and emotions in a torrent of idiocy, make yourself look like a fool, and ruin a good thing.
Emotion: God fucking damn it.
Intellect: Damn right pal, your choices are let it go, or suffer.
Emotion: -flips the bird-
Intellect: Look at it this way, if you were with her, you'd have to listen to the annoying bitch talk incessantly.
Emotion: You win.

Whenever something good or bad happens to someone close to me, and it indirectly effects me, I usually have some sort of real feeling about that. It's usually about them hooking up with someone. Sadly, the feeling is usually a bad one, whether it be jealousy, suspicion (sp), or straight up disapproval. But, in the end, when asked for my opinion, I can almost always say "meh" with total honesty, because somehow, my brain forces me to let it go and reconcile. I know this all sounds insane and random and very possibly nonsensical, but I'm amused at how quickly I teach myself to let go of the good and the bad for the sake of keeping a very good status quo. God bless mental maleability.

wow, i should totally be working.

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Wednesday, September 29th, 2004
11:43 pm
Step, breath, step, breath, step, breath. World's jumping up and down. Music hits a fast pace, I feel the andreno running in my legs. I kill the music, everything's quiet. Feels like the top of Everest, nothing nearby. All I hear is the wind, my mind is clear. Nothing matters, just step and breathe. Feel the jolting pain in my hamstrings, just keep going. The blood will loosen them up. Stay on the pavement, don't run in the gravel. Hit a hill, stop a second. Breathe, breathe, let my body catch up. Step, step, slow at first. Hit the incline, push hard, as hard as I can. Get to the top, sulfur in my lungs and the fire in my legs. Hit the deck, do a couple pushups. Spread the pain around.

Get home, don punching gloves. Bounce, left, right, bounce, right right left. Bag swings, have to stop it. Hard to breathe, but the song hits a high note, have to hit harder and faster. Maybe not longer.

Finish up, wash the dirt away. Lie down, don't think. Things suck, but the world's got the volume turned down. Doesn't matter. The ceiling is nice looking. Lights start to go out. The world greys, darkens, falls asleep.

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Thursday, September 23rd, 2004
11:58 pm - daybreak
It's wierd. I thought about it for a second, and I had an image flash of what the perfect morning would be. It'd be watching daybreak on the horizon with probably a girl who I liked who's intelligent and hot and I had spent the night talking to in the night air. I don't know why that flashed, but it was a nice thought.

Tommorow's friday (or today, whatever), and thank god for that fact. Three tests, and I didn't do well on any of them. I've started working for real again, but only started, and I need to kick into high gear. Wrestling conditioning has started, and my hamstrings fucking hate me right now. Going up stairs SUCKS.

You know, one of the biggest social downsides to going to a small school is the dating pool. Assuming you've got no significant outside connections, the group of people you're interested in dating starts off small, then dwindles. By the end, you're setfocusing nearly all your attention on a couple people, not because they're something magnificent, but because they're all you've got. Something happened the other day. It made me sort of pissed off, but it was good in the end, because I finally gave up on two girls I've been chasing a while, thinking I had a real shot. I finally threw my hands in the air and said "fuck it," and god damn it felt good. There's no longer any sense of obligation in the slightest. Don't want to talk online? Don't make up some bullshit excuse, just get off, wordlessly. They give you shit, you don't take a single bit of it anymore. Walk off instead of humoring them. It's just good to not have to bother putting up with anymore bullshit and getting nowhere in return.

I remember two years ago when I started talking to one of em. I talked to her friend, Ilya, and I remember him bitching about her. For various reasons, I didn't take a word of it to heart and pursued her. I look back and think "Wow, he was right, she IS fucking annoying a lot of the time."

Heh, I hate people. I especially hate certain freshmen. One motherfucker comes to school in a shirt that has "CCCP" written in big letters on it. I shout at him in passing for being suck a fucking idiot, and he proceeds to grin like an idiot every time he sees me after that. I really want to hit the little snot nosed fucker.

This week sucked.

I broke a girl's heart and didn't know it till I did. I had no idea she was as interested as she was, and I felt like a fucking bastard, especially considering her past and she shit she's been through. The funny thing is she's smart as hell, but my shallow side got the best of me. I just couldn't honestly mack on her out of physical interest. It was more out of just the directions our convos took and my general tendency to do that sometimes. God damn it, I'm 16, I want a fucking hottie. Finding a hottie who's smart as hell would be like me being struck by lightning twice. It's been known to happen, but my just luck isn't that good.

Bah. I have all these thoughts floating in my head, but they're so transient that they're useless. I have a section of a dance/trance song stuck in my head, and it is good. I want a WRX, so, so badly. Dance music in my car makes me want to speed. My car needs a better traction/suspension/weight shift system.

So much happened, nearly none of it especially good. Just one of those weeks.

I want to see the sun break the horizon. Until then, I need to do some work on college apps.

"Light me up that cigarette,
and I strap shoes to my feet."

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Sunday, August 29th, 2004
3:39 pm - and the bassline thumps
Senior year starts tommorow, so I guess today's as good a day as any to write something here. w00t. We made it this far, so I guess that's something already.

I spent my last night of freedom almost exactly how I wanted to, so maybe it's a good omen. Was definitely good to see cat and knotty again. Know what's a good sign? A smile crosses my lips at the thought, the kind of smile you get from seeing a story end the way you wanted it to, with your favorite characters ending up happy, riding off into the sunset and such.

Why is the University of Puget Sound sending me things. I'm not going to fucking Tacoma, Washington, leave me alone you vultures.

I've been listening to a lot of dance music lately, so I seem to have a persistent bassline, 160 beats/minute I think it is, in my head.

I need to A) re-learn how to ride a bike B) learn how to ride a motorcycle and C) find some brilliant way of making several thousand dollars and getting my car modded without voiding the warranty. Yeah, it's not possible, but a man can dream.

"It's Good to be a Gansta" has the perfect vibe to it while rolling around with one of the boys on a friday afternoon, chillin. It's good and perfect in the sort of way I was craving all summer, the sort of relaxed, amused, calm, zen state.

Also, trance has taught me that my car has a damn nice sound system.

Here we go again kids.

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Thursday, August 26th, 2004
1:02 am - cry HAVOC and let slip the dogs of WAR
Sup. Been a little while. Lessee. School's starting again next week. Meh, I'm actually ok with it. Just wanna get first semester and apps over with and we'll be free to enjoy second semester. Chillin, driven around, just enjoying some fucking freedom after 4 years of being bitch slapped pretty regularly. Already got a couple pictures in my head. It'll be good, I think.

I need to finish my psych bullshit work, and at least look at alllllll the things I didn't do for college over the summer. Sort of worried about that. Ah well.

Dodd's back, and it's good. Feeling more and more distanced from allen and closer to dodd. Allen's pissing me off a lot lately. Maybe school will get him to stop playing fucking counter strike every waking moment.

Girls. What about em. Meh. One's average, might meet a couple more friday. Thank the gods for all girls' schools. -grin- we'll see.

Nadia's got a job, right about in time for me to go back to school, so I suppose it works out. Sam's back, which is really pretty fucking rawkin. I have no idea with the deal with cerice is, since I haven't had much of in the way of a convo with nadia or cat or sam in a week or two. Guess that by the pool dream won't be realized. -shrug- a dream's a dream.

This summer was not what I intended it to be. Chilled with nadia twice? 3 times? Once at the start, and once in the end I think. Definitely now the number I had in mind at the start. -shrug- Don't always get what you want. Got a lot less of what I wanted than I expected though. Every single fucking one of my close friends went somewhere far away for at least a good chunk of the summer. Chilled with andrea a lot, which was really very cool.

stanford kicked my ass. C+ in o-chem lab, B- in comp sci. A little bit dissappointed and lucky feeling at the same time. I think I could've pulled off a B- in chem if I had tried harder. too late.


havoc, slip the dogs of war.

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Thursday, August 19th, 2004
2:30 am - something wicked this way comes
2:30 in the morning. it's becoming a bit too familiar. I need to start sleeping earlier. I woke up at 3:30 today. I was pissed.

so much shit to get done.

Something Wicked This Way Comes.

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Sunday, August 15th, 2004
12:41 am - RAWR
edited for excessive anger without a good enough reason. carry on.

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Sunday, August 8th, 2004
2:06 pm - i should be doing java

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Describe me in one word.
7. What was your first impression?
8. Do you still think that way about me now?
9. What reminds you of me?
10. If you could give me anything what would it be?
11. How well do you know me?
12. When's the last time you saw me?
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
14. Are you going to put this on your page and see what I say about you?

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Friday, August 6th, 2004
2:06 am - shotgun blasts echo
Fucking coyotes. I can hear the bastards crying out in the distance right now. Shut up you idiots.

Nadia is home, and this makes just about everyone immensely happy, me included. Sam and Cerice should be home in the next few days, if not this weekend. WOW, that'll be cool.

I,Robot was totally worth 8 dollars for the mass amounts of unintentional comedy. There were about 8 product placements in the space of 10 minutes.

Doom 3 is pretty, and it makes me very jumpy. The shotgun is the most satisfying weapon ever put into a game. Also, this game reaffirms my absolute fear/hatred of spiders, being skin-colored and having upside down heads for bodies and all. -shudder-

Begin rant:

Ok. So. Allen. We and andrea were talking the other day, and issues with people and growing up came up. Some grew/grow up before others. I think I might be before Allen. I mean, he is by far one of the least sociable people I'm friends with. Summer starts, he plays Counterstrik about 12 hours a day. Goes to Japan, has a great time, comes back, first day he's back to playing Counterstrike. I want to be able to go to the movies and have my homeboy be a wingmen for a cute girl, not sit there and talk about something most likely related to video games. Don't get me wrong, we have plenty of interesting conversations, just that my actual willingness to talk to girls in the past 6 someodd months has suddenly (sort of?) materialized, while he has none to speak of (that I know of). So, my desire is to go to the mall and chill, enjoying eye candy, whereas he will bitch, say how much hotter the girls are in Japan, and want to go back to playing CS.

Along with the priority issues is the fact that he's been more hostile and critical in the past couple months. Dunno, maybe it's just me. Him and John are on a much more similar wavelength. Both hardcore gamers that do as much possible to minimize the work they do to increase time for thier games, and are pretty much totally uninterested in people, despite the fact that Johnny boy could get TONS of play. Fucker. Ah well, less competition.

This is in large part of why me and Dodd are suddenly close. Both drink, but are by not means especially interested in it. He's got party connections that I need. I've got a liscense. It works. We're alike. We seem to have similar priorities, in terms of chicks, so our desire to do similar things suddenly meshes. Fucker's in Britain till the 20th though.

It's occured to me lately that Dodd and Anshu are very much Golden Boys. Athletic, intelligent, handsome, with experience and possibly silver tongues. John could be one too if he wanted. They make me vaguely bitter, but only just a little.

I'm friends with them, and lord knows I envy them sometimes. Bah, envy is useless. It's time to get out and practice. I've got catching up to do. Useless, but unless things change a bit, possibly inescapeable. That's ok, I'm sane, and they're awsome guys, and lord knows I stand to learn a thing or two.

End rant.

People are like badly written programs. Vast aspirations, and they certainly get a lot done, but they're mired in little bugs. Once in awhile, you find some that had some really good debugging, and you decide to keep em around.

There might've been something more, but there isn't now. They stopped howling a good while ago, so I guess it's time to slip into that beautiful temporary paralyses known as sleep.

Note to self: sleep 8 hours on friday. I don't think I've gotten more than 6 hours at a time in the past week. Why the hell am I still awake.

"You can sleep when you're dead."

No, can't leave off like that.

Imagine: a women, against a sunset. Totally black sileoutte (sp) hands running through long, life filled hair, pulling it up a little, with perfectly set curves. Now, imagine the sun having already set, Twilight having died, night in full effect, and a women draped in a sunset. Yeah, definitely a better note to go out on.

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